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September 18, 2001
From Heather
Did you guys get this message already? IF not, here it is:
All: This one is very, very long and constitutes 1 filler and a special feature which will link off the filler (the Tjay calendar, at the end).
Ana + Tjay: maybe a bit at the start about how tjay's changing jobs? But then we don't get to use him in cartoons anymore - or maybe this is the killing of the golden goose along those lines? Discuss amongst yourselves...
Ana: Read this now and let's talk about edits soon or I won't have time to make them (need to write another filler + fishweek by tomorrow night).
Tjay: Let me know if there's anything you find offensive about how you're portrayed here.
Terry: Sorry. We should talk about the calendar.
FILLER 7.23
1 MEET TJAY FOWLER! Why? Because we said so!
Tjay Fowler, Production Manager
cartoon
Wants: To quit production and become a painter
Needs: To quit painting and become more productive
Background: Grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, which makes him suspicious of pretty much everything and everyone, which explains his interest in Indie Rock
Typical Disclaimer: "It's not like I like Indie Rock because it's cool! Jeez!"
Current Dilemma: Long-term relationship is bringing him bliss, tempered by nagging dread that he'll inevitably screw it up
Most Common Facial Expression: Looks at you like you could turn on him at any moment. Often, this is in fact the case
Favorite Vice: Panic attacks
Likes: Peace and quiet, fresh salsa, E. Annie Proulx
Dislikes: Affectations, niceties, formalities, rules based on faulty premises, religions based on fear and stupidity, irrationality paraded as reasoned thought
Biggest El Guapo: Often parades irrationality as reasoned thought
Secret Dream: To go insane, move to the desert, and live on wild locusts and honey, just like John the Baptist without all that religious crap and that unfortunate beheading incident
Next... Talk to Tjay!
2 TYPICAL CONVERSATION WITH TJAY!
tjay (standing by polly's desk): WHY, EXACTLY, AM I ALWAYS THE ONE ACTING PATHETIC FOR A LAUGH IN THESE CARTOONS? polly; NOT PATHETIC! ~FUNNY~.... BECAUSE ~YOU'RE~ FUNNY.
[2] tjay: YOU MEAN ~WEIRD~ FUNNY, RIGHT? polly: NO, JUST FUNNY. I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU'RE ~WEIRD~, BUT IN A GOOD WAY.
[3] tjay: WHAT THE HELL IS WEIRD IN A GOOD WAY? polly: COME ON. STOP BEING SUCH A FREAK. tjay: A FREAK! THAT'S WEIRD IN A ~BAD~ WAY, ISN'T IT?
[4] polly: TJAY, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! tjay: WELL, GOSH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ALL ~SNIPPY~ ABOUT IT. ANA, POLLY'S GETTING ALL ~SNIPPY~ OVER HERE. NO WONDER YOU ATTACK ME SO MUCH IN FILLER. polly: NO I DON'T! tjay: ALRIGHT, GO AWAY. I HAVE WORK TO DO.
Next... Possible Sitcoms Starring Tjay!
3 POSSIBLE SITCOMS STARRING TJAY!
[1] TJAY HOOKER
tjay as a cop, pointing gun, with two hands, at criminal stealing something tjay: DROP THE GUN AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP! I SAID DROP THE GUN! JEEEZ, ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?
[2] TJAY IN CHARGE
tjay talking to teenage daughter on couch; set has door, staircase to the left, couch in middle tjay: SO YOU GOT DUMPED. BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. YOU'RE ONLY 16, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING. YOU'RE GONNA GET DUMPED MORE TIMES THAN YOU CAN COUNT... AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER, EITHER, TRUST ME.
[3] TJAY'S ISLAND
tjay, looking at the tropical drink wtih little umbrella in it in his hand, talking to skipper, maryann, professor tjay: LOOK, JUST COUNT ME OUT OF YOUR HARE-BRAINED SCHEMES OKAY? WE'LL BE HERE FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER SEASON, SO I'M JUST GONNA HAVE A FEW DRINKS AND WORK ON MY TAN. another balloon: HEY, WHERE ARE WE GETTING ALL THESE LITTLE UMBRELLAS ANYWAY?
[4] TJAY HOUSER, MD
tjay, typing into the computer. We see his back and the computer screen, with callout that says: Today I fainted at the sight of blood again. It's beginning to be something of an inconvenience.
[5] TJAY IS ENOUGH
dick van patten, mom (abby), and tjay, seated at a long table in the kitchen tjay (to mom): LOOK ~ABBY~, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM, SO JUST BACK OFF!
[6] JOANIE LOVES TJAY
joanie and tjay sitting on a piano bench, Joanie is looking at Tjay tjay: I KNOW IT WAS JUST "CHOPSTICKS," BUT IT WAS A LITTLE JAZZIER THAN MOST VERSIONS, DON'T YOU THINK? another balloon: HEY! YOU WERE A LOT CUTER IN HIGH SCHOOL! SORRY, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH!
[7] MORK AND TJAY
mork, standing outside of egg mork: ORSON, THE EARTHLING WHO TOOK ME IN, TJAY, IS VERY ANGRY AT THE WORLD, BUT I CAN'T TELL WHY. SO I ASKED HIM, "WHY ARE YOU SO FULL OF ANGER?" AND HE SMACKED ME IN THE HEAD!
[8] MAD ABOUT TJAY
tjay with blonde wife giving birth doctor: IT'S A BOY! tjay: WELL IT LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN BREAST!
Other Sitcoms Possibilities Ready for Development...
PARTY OF TJAY TJAY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER TJAY IN THE CITY CHICAGO TJAY EVERYBODY LOVES TJAY SUDDENLY TJAY NYPD TJAY
Next... Download your very own full-color Tjay calendar!
4 THE '97-'98 TJAY CALENDAR IS HERE!
CLICK here to view and download the A FULL-COLOR TJAY CALENDAR that covers August of '97 --> July of '98! Sounds too titillating to be true, doesn't it?
(special feature linking off of a tjay icon that's right here, each frame is a different illus. (each one the same square size, plus month calendar, also square-ish) special feature could be on front page for 2 weeks (after it debuts here on frame 4 of filler), then move to special feature section)
Terry - this will need to include big illustration that fills up full screen, with the appropriate month's calendar below it. I know, big pain in the ass - let's talk about it )
AUGUST
4 different tjays right next to each other, (like the 4 pollys in new years resolution filler) tjay (demurely): YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO ME ALL DAY. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? tjay: STOP TALKING TO ME! I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE! tjay: I MEAN IT! GO AWAY! tjay (smiling) YOU'RE BACK! DID YOU MISS ME?
SEPTEMBER
tjay at a department store tjay: I HATE BACK-TO-SCHOOL SALES. THEY'RE SO DEPRESSING. ALL THESE BRAND NEW NOTEBOOKS AND LAME PLAID CLOTHING AND SHINY LUNCHBOXES, ALL OF THEM CHEAP PROPS IN THE TRAGEDY THAT IS THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM. another balloon: THIS STAR WARS LUNCHBOX IS COOL.
OCTOBER
tjay (looking out the window at trick or treaters on his front doorstep): I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BUY CANDY FOR THOSE BRATS. IF THEY WANT CANDY SO BAD, WHY DON'T THEY JUST GO TO THE STORE AND GET SOME? joey: WELL MAYBE THEY DON'T HAVE THE MONEY OR CAN'T DRIVE... tjay: WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE LITTLE BASTARDS?!!
NOVEMBER
tjay's girlfriend at the oven looking at a hunk of tofu carved into a turkey form girlfriend: I'M NOT SURE ROASTING THIS TOFU TURKEY-SCULPTURE YOU MADE WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. tjay: SOME LUCKY TURKEY SOMEWHERE THINKS IT WAS! girlfriend: BUT IT SORT OF CONGEALED ON THIS SIDE, AND IT APPEARS TO BE SWEATING... tjay: I SPENT HOURS CARVING THOSE FAUX-DRUMSTICKS, YOU COULD AT LEAST BE SUPPORTIVE! JEEZ!
DECEMBER (copy from christmas filler - ~ the 19th, I think frame with tjay in the mall trying to pick out a present for his girlfriend)
JANUARY (new year resolution anxiety tjay - ~ 1/7 or so frame with tjay saying: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE LIVED WITH THIS CHAOS FOR SO LONG! joey: RELAX, CHIEF, IT'S JUST A SOCK DRAWER or something like that)
FEBRUARY
tjay: ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND AGREE THAT VALENTINES DAY IS UTTER BULLSHIT. GOD, SHE'S PERFECT FOR ME! another balloon: STILL, I'M SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO SUSPECT THAT A SMALL PART OF HER WOULD BE DELIGHTED AT THE SIGHT OF A HEART-SHAPED BOX OF CHOCOLATES, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S LACTOSE INTOLERANT... another balloon: WOW. I'M SO SENSITIVE, SHE SHOULD BE BUYING ~ME~ CHOCOLATES. another balloon: BUT SHE'S NOT GOING TO! THAT HEARTLESS BITCH!
MARCH
tjay looking at kite in tree tjay: LOOK, TREE, I KNOW CHARLIE BROWN MIGHT TRY TO REASON WITH YOU, BUT FORGET ABOUT IT! I'M NOT SOME KIND OF WISHY WASHY PUSHOVER, AND IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA GROVEL, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING! IN FACT, KEEP THE DAMN KITE! YOU CAN'T USE IT, YOU DIPSHIT! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY ARMS!
APRIL
tjay (gazing at flowers, thinking): FLOWERS ARE SO NICE. TOO BAD THE MOONIES HAD TO GO AND SPOIL THEM FOR THE REST OF US.
MAY
tjay (with wineglass in his hand at a party talking to someone): LOOK, DON'T GO AND BRING THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT INTO THIS, BECAUSE HE OFFENDS ME ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN...
JUNE
tjay walking down the aisle on his wedding day; ask tjay what his girlfriend looks like tjay (thinking): I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PARTICIPATING IN THIS ARCANE PAEN TO THOSE DEMONIC BEHEMOTHS, CHURCH AND STATE! IT'S LIKE A BAD DREAM... MAYBE IT ~IS~ A BAD DREAM!
[2] tjay (saying to girlfriend): COULD YOU, UM, PINCH ME? girlfriend: ARE YOU BEING ROMANTIC, OR JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE? tjay: BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.
JULY
tjay and girlfriend watching fireworks girlfriend: WOW! THAT ONE WAS GREAT! tjay: YEAH, GREAT... WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF A NATION I LOATHE THAN TO GO DEAF AND THEN SIT IN TRAFFIC FOR 3 HOURS?
2 girlfriend: COULD YOU POSSIBLY SHUT DOWN THE CURMUDGEONLY PART OF YOUR BRAIN FOR JUST AN HOUR? tjay: YOU COULD TRY HITTING ME IN THE HEAD WITH A BIG ROCK, BUT THE REST OF MY BRAIN MIGHT GET SHUT DOWN WITH IT. girlfriend: I'M WILLING TO TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Posted by tdotjay at September 18, 2001 10:28 AM
